Wednesday, May 18, 2022
HomeScribbleOakland Tech Orders ‘Grime Squad’ to Repair School after Year at Home

Oakland Tech Orders ‘Grime Squad’ to Repair School after Year at Home

Following a year of distanced learning and remote school participation, Oakland Tech’s once unique campus has been marred by a new threat: cleanliness. The characteristic ‘Tech Shine’ caused by a signature blend of loose dirt, unknown odors, food stains, and cheap perfume has faded from the hallways, and the front step stains (hopefully identified as coffee or tea) have been washed off by rain. Even the Boys Gym — long upheld for accurately portraying what a decaying building filled with more than 100 years of hormonal teens would look, sound, and most importantly smell like, has opened its doors to outside breezes. Because of these structural changes affecting the integral nature of our school, serious questions about the future of Oakland Tech have been raised. A tech administrator who shall remain nameless shared concerns about upholding the history and culture of Oakland Tech. “The culture of Oakland Tech — not those six-or-seven weird school pillar things that even I forgot — the culture and history of our school is what fosters an educational environment for each class of wonderful freshmen. How are we going to teach ninth-grade students about sex education if they don’t have educational cornerstones like an eight-year-old doughnut hanging off of a loose Oakland Tech Rep poster in the corner of their portable?” They also expressed worries about Tech’s status as one of the top schools in OUSD. “OT is famous for our mess, and now that rain has washed it away, will people even recognize us?”

To combat the issue of cleanliness at Oakland Tech, the administration has decided to allocate the facilities budget to a ‘Grime Squad’ tasked with recreating Oakland Tech’s characteristic messiness. According to the administration’s report, the Grime Squad has already outlined a strategy to fix the school, which includes mopping hallway floors with a spilled soda, crushed homework assignment, and liquefied apathy solution; scattering desiccated lime scooter and sink parts around the school haphazardly; fumigating bathrooms using vape pens; and scratching up Tech’s walls and doors with their keys. Additionally, student members will participate by coating Tech’s walls with a thick layer of senioritis. 

After the Grime Squad presentation from Tech’s administration, students and staff shared mixed responses. An Oakland Tech teacher from the Engineering Academy shared they were excited to recreate the general disgusting air of the school, as that would preserve the S1 bathroom as a commodity. “Although I’m really happy that the Engineering Bathroom wasn’t mobbed by a score of sophomores who want to wash their hands and be able to use soap, one of Engineering’s primary currencies is our hawkish control over Tech’s only clean bathroom. By re-griming the rest of tech, we’re back on top.” The Engineering Academy staff have additionally created a 24-hour patrol around their bathroom to prevent any Grime Squad incursions; anxious students have recycled their popsicle stick cantilever projects into primitive melee weapons and are trained to kill anyone that comes close to ‘the precious bathroom.’ 

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