If you’re an Oakland Tech student who drives to school, listen up! New punishments for parking around Oakland Tech during street sweeping hours are as follows: students will be handed brooms and made to sweep streets by hand while wearing hand-stitched polos that read “I’m a stupid idiot that sucks at driving.” City officials responded to complaints by saying, “I don’t know why Oakland Tech students act like the street sweeping schedule is so inconvenient. It’s simple: don’t park on the left side of the street if you’re wearing green on a Monday following the appearance of a full moon, and every third Tuesday from the twenty-third to the thirtieth, turn twice towards Tech to try to track down temporary termination of your travel trials. Easy-peasy. And if you don’t like it, just fork over $70. I mean think about it, all of that money is going straight back into Oakland public schools anyway, right?”
Not to be left out, Oakland Tech has decided to adapt their parking policies as well. Starting now, parking in the Tech parking lot will result in a Saturday detention (someone has to go to those), and as a little treat, Martel Price gets to hit your car (or motorized scooter, we don’t judge) with a baseball bat. To make sure to uphold principles of inclusivity, students who walk to school will also be subject to new rules. The streets around Tech have been designated toll roads, and all people approaching on foot will be charged a small fee, although this Scribble reporter has been reassured that all funds will be directed towards Mr. Bascom’s paid leave salary.