This dedicated journalist spent hours gazing at the stars in preparation for this column, which has been fact-checked and given the stamp of approval by Tech’s official astrology department, which operates out of the secret third floor of the school (there’s also a pool and movie theater up there, you should totally go check it out).
(March 21 – April 19)
To find the spark within, go stare into the sun. Sunglasses will only act as a barrier between you and your fiery potential. Don’t worry, your future looks bright!
(April 20 – May 20)
Bewarel! This month, the barriers between this reality and 2016 are blurred for Tauruses. If you wake up with an urge to purchase a Kylie Jenner lip kit or do the mannequin challenge, you may have taken a step too far in the wrong direction.
(May 21 – June 20)
Feeling down about your job? Your relationship? Your flaky, peeling scalp? The solution to all of these issues is Head & Shoulders shampoo.
(June 21 – July 22)
Uh-oh! Pluto is in retrograde, which means that April is stand-up comedy month for Cancers. Be sure to start testing out your material on unsuspecting teachers, friends, and peers. They are sure to be delighted by your wit.
(July 23 – August 22)
Tell the first three people you talk to today about the worst day of your life. With any luck, you make today one of their worst days! Sharing is caring.
(August 23 – September 22)
Trying to sort out your finances is high on your agenda. Don’t waste money investing in mutual funds, go for NFTs and cryptocurrency exclusively and in no time you’ll be rolling in the dough.
(September 23 – October 22)
Jump into the air and clap your hands to make a leprechaun appear (wearing a little hat, green pantaloons, and pointy shoes). If you can answer his riddle, he’ll lead you to a pot of gold. If you get it wrong, I hope you can fight.
(October 23 – November 21)
You have been randomly selected to take part in the 2022 Oakland Technical High School Hunger Games. The football field will be primed with weapons, school spirit is optional, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
(November 22-December 21)
Spam calls will feel inescapable this month. Either someone wrote your name on a gas station bathroom wall or you have been taking part in too many Senior Capstone surveys. Please visit the CDC website to learn more about getting vaccinated against computer viruses.
(December 22 – January 19)
Repeat after me: promposal, promposal, promposal. This should be the daily Capricorn mantra until you find a prom date. Ask that special someone with a bouquet of roses and a large plush teddy bear, and really demonstrate your chivalry by wrenching open the inexplicably heavy main doors for them.
(January 20 – February 18)
POV: You buy a new pair of shoes from your drug dealer. You don’t know what he laced them with, but you’ve been tripping all day.
(February 19-March 20)
Get your head out of the clouds and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. The stars decree that if you stray from this path, you are destined to become a wobbly, weak-kneed communist.