Tuesday, May 21, 2024
HomeScribbleMr. Fairly Leads 3rd Great Awakening, All Students Cured of Mental Illness

Mr. Fairly Leads 3rd Great Awakening, All Students Cured of Mental Illness

This year had a lot of firsts, and among those firsts is Tech’s “Day of Healing.” Mr. Fairly, determined to have at least one positive impact on the lives of his students, instituted a day dedicated to healing the mind. Unfortunately for him, it seems that the student’s physical health was neglected in the process. In surprising news, packing 500 students into a room at full capacity is not what one might consider to be “COVID-safe.” This comes as a shock to us all–well, actually, just Mr. Fairly. This minute detail led to the cancellation of the highly anticipated Day of Healing for juniors and seniors. Ms. Haugen, of the junior-class Paideia teachers, tells this Scribble reporter her side of the story. She says, “My students were shocked…dumbfounded, really. They were really looking forward to it…the students refuse to take this injustice quietly because, quite frankly, the deprivation of such a valuable tool is simply unfair.” Ok, so she didn’t actually say that, but the sentiment remains true. Tech students want their Day of Healing returned to them! If you want to support the upperclassmen in their fight for justice, please meet on the front lawn during our 45-minute pre-lunch period on Friday for a march to the OUSD downtown building. The Scribble will also be taking monetary donations (for us — this has nothing to do with Day of Healing). 

But, you may be asking yourself, what about those who were able to experience Day of Healing? Well, they basked in all the benefits, and, in typical underclassmen fashion, they weren’t above gloating about the experience. Many Tech freshmen and sophomores said they “felt enlightened” and “couldn’t have asked for anything better…Tech admin really knows what the students want.” However, that was only the tip of the iceberg. Tech’s student population is approximately 97.5% mentally ill (source: just walk through the halls and you’ll see what this writer means). And yet, the highly coveted data of surveyed students, hidden deep under piles of “past due” bills in Mr. Fairly’s office, showed that 100% of students who attended Day of Healing were actually un-diagnosed by their therapists in the following days. A Tech sophomore describes the scientifically miraculous experience, saying, “I’m not sure how it happened…I just suddenly feel lighter.” He says his therapist immediately ripped up the order to send him to a mental institution after hearing of his life-altering and soul-cleansing experience. Stories like this amongst sophomores are common and are only fueling the envy of the upperclassmen.  

While critics from other schools call us “delusional” and “morons who can’t improve student’s mental health if their life depended on it,” students show their appreciation for Mr. Fairly’s ingenious idea. The entire freshman class withheld from fighting for an entire lunch period (unfortunately an incident occurred later on in the day), and some sophomore students even threw Mr. Fairly a surprise party (students were forced to leave his house after he called the police upon hearing “strange sounds coming from my kitchen” at midnight). An Engineering Academy student even discovered the cure to every type of cancer, and dedicated the discovery to her “caring and supportive principal, Mr. Fairly.” 

Do you want to be enlightened? Feel light enough to float? Cure your mental illness? With a simple donation of at least $100 to Mr. Fairly’s retirement fund, you too can experience Day of Healing next year. (This is a school-wide announcement, demanded and approved by our beloved Mr. Fairly, who has had his “daily announcements” privileges taken away by the administration for the simple crime of providing highly sought-out information to students every single morning).