Have you been wondering why your classmates have started to look a little elderly? You silly goose, those are the Parents On Duty (POD)! This elite squadron accepts only the most capable of Bulldog parents; the competition to get into the hallways of Oakland Tech is fierce, and so their skills are tested through tournament style rounds of no-holds barred boxing matches. Rest assured that only the best and brightest make the cut.
However, there has been a little bit of confusion about what exactly the role of the POD is. Just recently, their disciplinary measures got a total overhaul, with the official POD spokesman reporting that they’re ready to be “a little less parent, a little more duty.” Through a covert infiltration of one of their meetings, one of the Scribble’s dedicated journalists got the full scoop on the newest POD rules:
- If you’re caught jaywalking, the nearest POD is required to slap you in the face.
- If you leave campus during advisory, to reenter the school building you must demonstrate your ability to do a backflip.
- If a POD sees you trying to get into the school through a side door, you must compose an eight page MLA formatted essay (typed, 12 pt Times New Roman Font, double-spaced) repenting for your heinous sins against the Oakland Tech community.
- Students found back-talking will be curb-stomped into oblivion.
- If a POD asks for your lunch money, you are legally obligated to give it to them.
- When breaking up fights between students, PODs are also allowed to distribute weapons to combatants to “make things more interesting.”
So far, Tech students are thrilled by these changes, with one junior summing up the collective sentiment of the student body, stating, “There’s really nothing that makes me feel safer on campus than my friend’s mom with a taser and personalized T-shirt.”