Tuesday, May 21, 2024
HomeFeaturesIdiot Husbands Explain: Biggest Cyber-Attacks 2023-2024

Idiot Husbands Explain: Biggest Cyber-Attacks 2023-2024

[Disclaimer: Title was not meant to offend anyone from the LGBTQIA+ community. My sincerest apologies if it does.]

“So we can’t talk about that tiny fish?” 

Zeren turned to his whining husband. “I thought maybe we could talk about something serious for a change.” 

“But the Danionella cerebrum can make sounds as loud as a gunshot. It’s translucent, and it’s only half an inch long-” 

“Maybe next time, Mark.” 

Admitting defeat, Mark sighed and said,” Okay, in no particular order, here we go… There is definitely a lot here.” He squinted at the script. “In August 2023, servers were flooded in an attempt to…. Demand Elon Musk open Starlink in Sudan? Isn’t Sudan in Africa?” 

“Essentially they were demanding wi-fi because Starlink is an international wifi cable. Did you know that over 20,000 didn’t have access to that exact same wi-fi because unnamed Hackers stormed the server?” 

“That’s not even the worst part. They took down Twitter, or well, X is what it’s called now, in several countries.” Mark stared at the paper. “How long was Sudan denied wifi access anyway?” 

“If you were cut off from the very wifi that runs the government, wouldn’t you also digitally storm the owner of it to demand it be opened?” 

“That’s a bit extreme but honestly understandable,” Mark agreed. “That same month, Chinese hackers stole the information of Nebraska’s US Congressmen by hacking into Microsoft. That’s also how they got access to emails of the State Department and Department of Commerce. Um, what exactly do they plan to do with those emails?” 

“They also targeted high-bandwidth routers to figure out the US’s war tactics!” 

“World War Three is going to be online,” Mark huffed. “No bullets needed.” 

“The month after, it’s seen that US and Japanese Officials warned that Chinese hackers were modifying software inside certain routers to target government industries and companies. China has denied such statements, but-” 

“They’ve also attacked Japan’s space agency, the Republic of Korea, the Philippine government, the Cambodian government, and Guyuna government agencies… China’s really out for blood, aren’t they?” 

“Microsoft seems to be a bit of a weak point in the economy. Just two months ago, they were hacked by Russians who stole the emails and documents from Microsoft’s leadership, cybersecurity, and legal teams.” 

“Crazy how it’s not even the first time. This happened back in November too. Either Microsoft’s security seriously sucks or the hackers are getting a little too ambitious.” 

“I mean, Chinese hackers have been camping in the U.S. networks for five years targeting US infrastructure, law enforcement, and the like.” 

“Wow, okay, so what has the US been doing against this?” 

“It has been said that the cyber attacks by China are unlike any other that the US has faced,” Zeren declared. 

“So basically, we’re screwed.” 

“Not exactly. They say that the Chinese are only preparing if the US were to have any conflicts with them. Or, well, they go by the Volt Typhoon.”  

“Why would we start a conflict with them now? Even if we tried, they could disable our water and electricity with just the tap of a button!” 

“The US Cyber Command has it covered.” 

“And so they claim,” Mark muttered darkly. “As far the public knows, China says none of that ever happened, even to this day…” 

“They called it a ‘collective disinformation campaign’ when the Five Eyes countries accused them of their crimes. The Five Eyes, by the way, are Australia, Canada, New Zealand, the United Kingdom, and the United States.” 

“Countries who have been digitally attacked by China at some point or another. At this point, I’m convinced China’s hacked half the world’s governments. They can deny it but they can’t hide the evidence that the government logs contain.” Mark threw up his hands. “So, guys, if you want to give world domination a go, you know what to do! See you next month!”