Oakland Tech students Lily Alessi and Zoe Psomas claim that they hear directly from Bobo the Bulldog when they write their responses to the Ask Bobo column, but is this claim really legit? Top investigators at The Scribe looked into their alleged prophetic powers and what they seek to gain from them.
Over the past year, the Ask Bobo column has gained massive support among Oakland Tech students seeking help with everything from love and relationships to difficult homework assignments.
“Who needs ChatGPT?” commented a freshman. “Whenever I have a problem with my homework, I just ask Bobo!”
Their popularity has risen to such an extreme level that Alessi and Psomas report having students coming up to them and asking for spontaneous Bobo advice. In an interview with our team, Alessi and Psomas explained that the process of acquiring Bobo’s wisdom is not as simple as some have come to believe, however.
“We sit in the middle of the field when we feel Bobo’s energy is particularly strong, candles lit and hands clasped,” Alessi explained. “Then, we utter our sacred chant: Bobo, beloved Bobo, come back to the dawghouse. We call upon your mascotial wisdom.”
Psomas told us how Bobo then takes over their senses and helps them type responses to student queries.
“When my hands begin to tingle, I know that the possession has started,” she said. “Then, giant blobs of purple and gold begin to blot out my vision. The next thing I know, I’m lying on the ground, and there is a fully written response typed out on my Chromebook.”
So, are these “prophets” magical, crazy, or just plain liars? We looked further into The Scribe records to find out, but what we discovered was beyond shocking. The accounting showed a series of mysterious transactions to an account called “Bobo’s Babes.” We confronted Psomas and Alessi, but they wouldn’t give us a clear response.
“Don’t worry about it,” Psomas said as she slid us 100 Bulldog Bucks across the table. Let the record state that we did not accept the blatant hush money.
Alessi followed up with a threat, saying “Bobo would be awfully upset with you if you dared to doubt his wisdom. I strongly suggest you just forget this ever happened.”
Even Mr. Barney, the teacher advisor of The Scribe, corroborated Alessi and Psomas’s story and denied the allegations of fraud.
“All of my journalists are completely ethical,” Barney asserted. “Any suggestion to the contrary is libel and defamation. Not to mention that Scribe payments are strictly confidential—anyone who violates this will be suspended until they agree to sign an NDA.”
Unfortunately, we had to cut our investigation short after we noticed a purple and gold van was tailing us everyday after school and mysterious paw prints were found littering the steps to our homes. However, the evidence we were able to collect suggests that Alessi and Psomas are running a fraudulent business and do not actually have prophetic communications with Bobo.
If you don’t hear from us again, we urge you to continue our diligent quest for the truth. One day, we will bring the so-called prophets to justice.