During the past few months, more and more Oakland Tech students have been cutting class and wandering the halls. Emails from administrators have lamented attendance issues, begging parents to help by disciplining students. But no one has considered the students’ thoughts.
When questioned about the situation, a student found hiding in the bathroom said, “I skip, therefore I am,” referencing the famous quote by Rene Descartes, while hitting the cart. With a faraway look in their eyes, the student spoke in a tranquil voice, “To go to class is to suffer, to cut is to find some meaning in the suffering.”
Similarly, two students were overheard in a socratic discussion about the constant devilish symbolism of Bobo the bulldog while walking aimlessly through the halls. Classroom doors closed as they passed by. Teachers were attempting to shut out their novel philosophical ideas. One rolled his eyes at the other and said cryptically, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
As if on queue, the familiar yell of one of the culture keepers interrupted their deep thinking with their catchphrase: “Go to class!” Left with no choice, the conversation ended before they could make any new philosophical breakthroughs.
The Oakland Tech administration is convinced there is one student behind this enlightenment movement. This mysterious figure has been dubbed “Socrates Jr.” because of the mysterious quotes on some of the bathroom walls that emphasize self examination. Socrates Jr. claims that students will find purpose in their Instagram and Tik Tok profiles. Daily reviewing of one’s own highlights, posts, and reposts is highly encouraged. The more time spent scrolling, the better.
The true function of phone boxes has now been revealed as a way to prevent students from following in Socrates Jr.’s footsteps. Without their phones, admin hopes that “student philosophers” will be unable to reflect and will stop trying to find nirvana.
Students have found loopholes in the policy by bringing burner phones to school and putting them in the phone box instead. One student clarified, “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.”
Additionally, administration has systematically attempted to stop Socrates Jr. and this cultural renaissance by enforcing a strict bathroom policy that only allows one student out at a time, in order to discourage the sharing and spread of ideas.
Now, the bathrooms, which are the common meeting place of the student philosophers, are being shut down all together. Often admin justify their anti-intellectual actions by claiming they are stopping “vaping, graffiti, and flooding.”
As a result, an increasing number of students simply wander the halls alone in silence, seeking to avoid the wrath of the culture keepers while maintaining their independent thought. Multiple students have explained that they wander in search of some purpose in an increasingly meaningless world.
In these trying times, a little bit of patience goes a long way. Don’t assume every student walking around in the hallways is lazy, because you never know who could be the next Aristotle. As one of Socrates Jr.’s bathroom quotes warns, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”