Recent bathroom closures have sparked controversy among students in the Oakland Tech community. Fortunately, at last week’s PTSA meeting, Principal Price presented his ingenious solution. “It’s the only way” reports Principal Martel Price, on his new school-wide mandate of bedpans replacing bathrooms. New reports have shown a 100% decrease in bathroom usage after Mr. Price permanently closed all student restrooms to combat the peeing epidemic at Oakland Tech. This did not come without controversy however, with new concerns rising from culture keepers wondering where they’ll get their vapes from now that they can’t confiscate Geekbars from student restrooms.
Oakland Tech bedpans are now available for purchase in the student center; one of these purple and gold Bobo-branded-beauties will run you $13.50 USD, or 25 Bulldog Bucks. Financial assistance will not be offered. “It isn’t free to pee…” reports Mr. Price. “Not free at all. In fact, it costs hella money. That’s like, the opposite of free.”
There are varying responses from students regarding the sh*tuation. For some, the bedpans create a loss of the ever-important bathroom community time, whilst others argue it brings new opportunities for hands-on learning, as murmurings of renovating those pesky old poop-closets into a teeny-tiny-tiki-bar are beginning to circulate.
Price has finally achieved his lifelong goal of making bathrooms a thing of the past. We project to see test scores shoot through the roof now that students can no longer waste 5 minutes of precious class time in the bathroom. Our data estimates that by 2030, all public bathrooms in the United States and Canada will be eradicated under the Anti Urination Act (AUA), fronted by the Oakland Tech Administration. It’s been a long time coming, but finally Mr. Price is sowing the seeds to his perfect school, starting with banning bathrooms- forever. Luckily with the amount Oakland Tech will save on plumbing bills, we will finally be able to build that new ball pit in the teacher’s lounge. Great work everybody!