Wednesday, April 17, 2024
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The Idiot Husbands Explain: Valentine Shenanigans

“Before we start, let me just make this clear,” Mark said, straightening his brown trench coat. “This article is not meant to offend or hurt anyone and is mostly for comedic purposes. By extension, this means that the writer of this article doesn’t believe all gay people are idiots, just us. That’s all.” 

“Happy late Lunar New Year to everyone though,” Zeren added. 

“Right, so back to Valentine’s Day! Before I get into reasons about why you should tell the love of your life that you like them, please remember to put yourself first! Self-love should come first because relationships are stressful- I mean, Zeren here can attest to that-” 

“Well-” was all the other guy managed.

“Yes, and also, don’t go overboard for this person, because you’re also amazing in your own way! Before we start, let me just say relationships take a lot of energy to maintain, but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice yourself for it. I mean, this won’t be published until after Valentine’s Day, but it still applies either way!” 

“The way you phrased it, like “why you should or should not confess to your crush,” Zeren snorted,” You made it sound like it was going to be life or death!” 

“It could be! I don’t even know how the heck you put up with me half the time, but anyways-” 

“Reason one for why you should confess to your crush: What if they like you back?” 

“You may be scared to say anything,” Mark continued. “You may be afraid of them. Maybe they already brushed you off several times! In that case, it’s time to move on! Even the best person in the world isn’t worth throwing yourself off a cliff for if they don’t reciprocate your feelings. Please move on, it’s better for your mental health.” 

“The sooner you get it off your chest,” Zeren said brightly,” The sooner you can stop thinking about them. If you get rejected, nice, at least you know to move on now. Thinking about someone who doesn’t see how amazing you are isn’t worth your headspace.” 

“Do you ever wonder if this article is hypocritical because we’re married?” 

Zeren paused for a moment. “Mark, we’re not going to talk about that-” He cleared his throat, brushing some of his dark hair away from his face. “And anyway, if your crush does reciprocate your feelings, you don’t have to get into a relationship. But at least you wouldn’t have to harbor your feelings to the point where it’s all you think about. School is pretty important too.” 

“Second reason why you could confess to your crush!” Mark smirked. 

“We had a second-?” Zeren shook his head. 

“Yes, we did! I made one up just now- if you confess to your crush, you can practice socialization!” 

“……. huh?” 

“I mean, think about it! If you talk to someone who makes you feel vulnerable, you’ll be ready to talk to an entire crowd, and it’ll boost your confidence whether or not you get rejected! You already confessed to your crush, and well … if you get rejected, there are few things that can result in feeling worse through the same method of communication.” 

“Is this the same kind of nonsense you fed yourself last year when-” 

“And if you’re willing to let yourself dream,” Mark continued, completely ignoring Zeren,” you can kind of imagine the things that could happen if your shot hits the target! You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take, so …. Taking any shot at all is definitely better than not! It got me Zer-” 

“You kept quiet until I said something,” Zeren huffed. “And … relationships are nice and all if they go right, but remember at the start when you said relationships were stressful if they don’t?”

Okay everyone, whether you confess to your crush or not, I wish you luck this Valentine’s Day! We wish you all the happiness this day can bring you! And if you don’t have a crush, focus on yourself! See you next time, bye!