Steve: I am here on the set of Oakland Tech’s production of The Murder at Haversham Manor, where for the first time in Oakland Tech’s history a play has made national headlines. Yes, folks, this was so big that it caught the attention of Kim Kardashian again, who made another video taking back her kisses to the Oakland Tech Bulldogs. To investigate, we will first be talking to the director, senior Sam Helvig, about what exactly went wrong behind the high school production that Playbill has labeled “more disastrous than the fall of Rome, yet so wrongfully comical”.
Sam: IT’S NOT A COMEDY! It’s a thrilling whodunit murder mystery! Yes, there might have been one or two minor snags which the audience may or may not have picked up on, but minor hiccups are to be expected in any production.
Steve: Mr. Director, are you saying that you consider the fact that most of the audience being immediately sent into emergency care for consuming hazardous salted nuts sold during intermission a minor snag? Not to mention almost all the actors are in critical condition for consuming paint thinner that was reported to be accidentally swapped for scotch. Also, the entire set collapsed, live during a show, nearly killing everybody onstage.
Sam: Oh well, yes, I must admit I should have checked the salted nuts and the scotch, but everybody is alive and well. Wait actually, they’re just alive, but that’s the most important thing. As for the entire set collapsing, it’s the stage manager Lindsey’s fault.
Lindsey: To be fair, I got very distracted while constructing the set. While building the set and watching rehearsals, I was very intrigued by the possibility of being onstage. After I finished, I realized I had a bunch of leftover parts, but I wasn’t aware they were “necessary” to hold the set together until well umm…last night.
Steve: Would you say this interest in being an actor led to you physically fighting on stage with the leading actress, Jordan Jerrels, for the role of Florence Colleymoore?
Lindsey: I blame her! That girl kept fainting and was unconscious for most of the show so it was only right that I finished the show for her.
Steve: There are plenty of viral memes of your two unscripted fights on stage when you guys hit each other with trays, threw each other out of the window, and punched each other in the face. Do you have anything to say to The Scribe readers?
Lindsey: I would like to thank my mom, my dad, and my boyfriend…. (this list was massively shortened, you’re welcome!) Also, Scribe readers, please follow @oaktechrep on Instagram! Anyway here’s the lighting and sound operator, Carlos.
Steve: Carlos, when would you say the play started going wrong?
Carlos: Well before the show, Winston, the guard dog we hired for the show, went completely missing. Shortly after, one of the ensemble members, Aaliyah, threw a giant tantrum after she discovered there were a bunch of tiny nibbles on the dark chocolate cake she left out. That girl sure puts the drama in drama.
Steve: Did you notice if there was anything wrong or unusual before the play regarding Winston or the cake?
Carlos: To be honest, no, I was playing Pokémon Go on my phone before and during the show while operating the lights and sounds. The actors were mad that I missed some cues during the show, but they’re all in the hospital now.
Steve: This has been very insightful. So, what’s next for the show?
Sam: We’re hoping tomorrow to get the show back on the road and give a better performance-
Carlos: No, it’s going to go quite badly tomorrow as well, to be honest, the set’s still a total death trap-
Sam: So come see the best play in Oakland Tech’s hist-
Carlos: Most of our cast is still recovering from consuming paint thinner, and we have received several medical lawsuits-
Disclaimer: This is a comedic promotional article featuring actors from OakTech Rep’s real production of The Play That Goes Wrong. The Murder at Haversham Manor is the fictional play within The Play That Goes Wrong. No actors, techies, or animals were and will be hurt in this production.
The Play That Goes Wrong will be at Oakland Tech’s Auditorium for 6 nights featuring a double cast! April 20, 21, 22, 27, 28, and 29 at 7 PM. Tickets will be sold at the doors. We hope to see you there!!!