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Move Aside COVID-19, There’s a New Pandemic in Town, and Its Name Is Senioritis

Senioritis has hit Oakland Tech’s senior class of 2023 like a truck. Characterized by a fever of “we’re outta here soon” degrees, a head cold who’s only cure is not going to class, and a nose stuffed with absolutely no motivation at all, Senioritis is plaguing our Bulldog seniors. 

The virus has been building up since August of 2022. After a sharp increase following winter break, it is currently at 465 cases, the highest number of cases it has ever been, affecting 99.8% of seniors.

“We need to flatten the curve” is the mantra of certain administrators. Their methods of “flattening the curve” include barring students from leaving campus, messing with the volume and number of times the bells ring, and sending out mass emails listing students who had good attendance.

However, their efforts are in vain. Senioritis is simply too contagious. As found in a very real and scientific study, the air in senior classrooms is so concentrated with small particles of the virus that even masks are not a protectant (though they are still helpful with Senioritis’ competition, COVID-19). Standing in a senior classroom for one minute will infect you with the intense desire to never do homework again. After five minutes, the disease takes control of your limbs and, seeking freedom, drags you to the window and opens it as wide as you can – which is not wide at all –  to try to desperately squeeze through. After ten, experts have reported urgent concerns for teachers’ safety.

The source of the Senioritis virus is unclear, but careful observation reveals that college applications, the feeling of twelve and a half years of school completed, and general fatigue seem to be somewhat involved. 

Unfortunately, the only cure for Senioritis seems to be graduation. The only way out is through. In the meantime, it wouldn’t hurt for teachers to collectively agree that class should be a time for productive napping.

Overall, Senioritis is an issue that needs to be taken seriously. To help victims of this pandemic, the district should consider allowing those struggling with the sickness a week – or month, or the rest of the year – of excused absence. All other grades should treat seniors with kindness, and if one is spotted in distress, simply avert your eyes and walk away. And seniors, only twelve more weeks to go. Let’s just try and make it through the rest of the year without burning the school down. 

(Disclaimer: the only claim to accuracy of statistics in this article are general vibes and knowing Mr. Bachicha who is not even a stats teacher anymore)


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