Yeah, you heard that right, it’s over. Your entire life just ended, and there is nothing you can do. You didn’t even score a regular F. If the grading system were A-Z, you would have gotten a whopping P. How do we know? We have connections to literally every teacher at Oakland Tech. That’s why our articles are so insightful.
You might be wondering how your life could be over, I mean, it’s just one test, right? Well, that college you’ve been dreaming about sent us a message, and it’s not looking good. Among a heated rant of how much you messed up, they included the words, “extreme disappointment,” and “an immense displeasure with [your] scores.” I mean c’mon, how could you forget that negative sign?
And to make matters worse, everybody knows. The Oakland Tech Scribe reaches every classroom, with around 1,900 students reading about this embarrassing failure. Seeing as how all of Earth is in some way connected, all of its eight billion citizens are laughing hysterically at your idiocy. You can try to redeem yourself, but your reputation will forever be tarnished.
Now, we hate to add insult to injury, but remember that really awkward and ugly post-failure crying session you had? Yeah, we got that on video. You should have listened to the whole “spying through webcams” thing. We were going to keep it to ourselves, but our Instagram page isn’t looking so hot, and that would really drive up the numbers.
We also interviewed your favorite teacher on the matter, and they had a lot to say. After an enraged yelling spree, they told us that they were so disappointed because they literally, “[were] only working to grade your assignments.” Reports indicate that following this interview, the teacher has quit to pick up a job at Palantir, explaining how, “at least the folks over there have half a brain.”
So, what now? Well, we recommend not going to campus as we’re getting reports of a violent hate party eagerly waiting for your arrival. The second you enter Bobo’s domain, 1,900 students, and your entire family—including those random people at every family gathering—will unleash a deathly barrage of orbeez. If we were you, which we’re glad we’re not, we’d probably sit alone in an empty bathtub and cry for the rest of our lives. Maybe we’d eat ice cream, we really like ice cream.