The CDC has added a new vaccine endorsed for its effective immunization and quick results to the list of recommendations for children. The new synthetic–quickly developed due to its support from the CDC–has been effusively endorsed by the notorious Make Americans Have Ailments (MAHA).
The vaccine, intended to combat the heavily contagious disease dubbed “senioritis”, will be preferably administered in the last year of high school. Senioritis, a famed contagion, regularly takes schools by storm in the second semester. Frequently, it may even present symptoms early, in more than the graduating class. Symptoms are often presented as both somatic and mental, with students more prone to be absent or disinterested in classes.
“It’s truly a gift from God,” ill-acclaimed practicing physician and disease researcher Dr. Novacks says. “We’ve been looking for something like this for years–finding it was a Holy Grail moment.”
Already tested on both mammalian and human subjects, the vaccine gives a noticeable boost in productivity, especially for late teens. The vaccine, dubbed “a virulent version of anything you’ve ever encountered” by researchers, is set to be ready for consumer use in late 2026.
“I can’t stress enough how much this will help our nation,” Dr. Novacks enthusiastically conveyed. According to Dr. Novacks, all teenage age cows, rats, and humans in the trials suddenly gained new life. “They were bouncing off the walls,” Dr. Novacks says, “I’ve never seen someone leap to death. But before that–the energy was amazing.”
Depending on the state, the vaccine may be implemented earlier. “I’ve been looking forward to this for ages,” Vice Principal Paine, 20-year employee at Creutzfeldt-Jakob Institute shares. “We’re expecting to see rises in test scores and attendance rates.”
When asked about his thoughts concerning the heightened death rate, Vice Principal Paine merely said, “We all are forced to make sacrifices.”
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Institute had five students participate in the test trials, three of whom survived. “It honestly felt like I was on the best crack,” senior Boyle Moore said. “The type I can’t usually afford.” Moore was paid $25 for participating as a test subject and later was revealed to be on a placebo.
The vaccine is not entirely the “gift from God” Dr. Novacks claims it to be. The adverse sides effects include, but are not limited to, students being more likely to disturb teachers with how wide awake and possessed they look, students loving school so much they never want to leave, students arriving on time to their classes, students being more likely to contract severe joint pain or arthritis by age 25, and students being more prone to get offered senior citizen discounts. Anticipated life expectancy post-vaccine is capped at 15 years, Dr. Novacks confesses.
Entirely financed by MAHA, vaccine receival is non-negotiable.