Dear Average High School Student,
My name is Irksome McSnooty, and I wanted to reach out to YOU personally to let you know about the opportunity to apply to our amazing university. You might be wondering: who am I? And: why am I reaching out to you? Well, first, I’d love to let you know that I am an admissions officer from the world renowned Naggington University, and we are reaching out because we are incredibly excited to invite YOU to apply this fall.
What’s that you say? You’ve never heard of our esteemed institution? Well, then, I have the joy and privilege of letting you know all about the opportunities you’ll have at Naggington University. For starters, we have a mind-boggling four clubs, such as Toenail Clipping Club or the Bird Illuminati Student Association. Searching for something more sporty? Look no further! We have plenty of opportunities for you as well! With more than two Division 10 sports that you can participate in, we have lots of athletic opportunities across campus. You may have even heard about how our Naggington Hounds are some of the least accomplished players in the nation! Even if you aren’t the joining type, with almost 100,000 enrolled students we’re sure you’ll be able to find friends somewhere!
If that wasn’t enough to interest you, there’s all sorts of educational opportunities at our spectacular school. As a Naggington Hound you’ll have access to over 20 classes taught by moderately educated professors. In addition, we are able to offer you the thrilling opportunity to study abroad in…Niagra Falls! We also boast a miraculous 1:1 student to faculty ratio and a whooping 3% graduation rate!
We also have a new experimental curriculum that we’d love to let you know about! As a student at Naggington University you’ll be offered the opportunity to secure a bachelor’s degree in one of three incredible subjects. You’ll be able to pursue either Thumbtack Crafting, Bang Trimming, or Linoleum Studies in your four years. But don’t rush to choose a major when you apply, as you’ll only have to commit to your chosen curriculum in your final quarter! Besides this, our newfangled curriculum requires just 1,000 general education classes and a total of 50,000 credits to graduate.
If you’ve been reading this so far, I want to take this final opportunity to urge YOU to apply to our sublime university. Based on your average grades and one extracurricular activity, we can tell you’ll fit right in. So make sure you keep our school in mind as you apply this fall, and reach out if you’re looking for a 10% discount on our $2000 application fee.
Sincerely,
Irksome McSnooty
Naggington University
5100 Broadway
Oakland, CA 94611