On Wednesday, January 11, a video was posted online that would change the trajectory of Oakland Technical High School forever. Delivered with a kiss, a hello, and a coy tone, a mystery descended upon our blue-and-yellow tiled halls. In a now viral video posted on both @othsbaseball on Instagram and @oaklandtech on TikTok, Kimberly Noel Kardashian, of Kardashian family fame, has been reported to say, “Hi Oakland Tech Bulldogs. It’s Kim Kardashian.” The most exciting part is, of course, the kiss she blows at the camera between delivering the two most important sentences our bulldog ears will ever hear.
While the video collected likes and comments, it raised even more questions. As I walked down the hall the day after the video was posted, all I heard was Kim Kardashian related questions echoing around the school. Why was Kim Kardashian flirting with the entire Tech population? Does she want us? How does she know that we exist? What room is she in? How much money did we have to bribe her with? Was it more than we pay the teachers? We’re basically best friends with her now, right?
I even heard a few bold statements grace our cherished school for the very first time: “I’m proud to be a bulldog” and “You know what, purple and gold is a sexy color combination.”
While no clear answers have been given, many students have theories.
“AI has gone too far,” one student said. “I’m worried. If Mr. Price gets a hold of this, we’ll miss the days when we only had alarms on the doors.”
“It’s for tax cuts, I’m sure of it,” another student declared. “She’s doing charity work.”
“I manifested this,” said a student as they rolled their rose quartz crystal around in their palm. “I had a dream about her, wrote her name in my journal a hundred times, and now look where we are.”
“I think the world finally just broke,” said a senior, who was inexplicably at school during eighth period. They sighed. “Who knows what day or time it is anymore. Kim K kissed us, it’s the second semester, and the teachers are still giving us homework. What is this world.”
Another student was adamant that it had something to do with NFTs, “It’s a pyramid scheme. Kim Kardashian is a Russian spy. If you draw a line from eye to eye and down to her nose, it forms a triangle. Illuminati.”
The last student I talked to was so stunned, he could only react in GIFs. After showing me a variety, including several dropping jaws, Michael Scott with raised eyebrows, and Quen Blackwell screaming, I got the gist of how he was feeling.
However, students weren’t the only ones affected by this viral mystery. Bobo, our beloved mascot, admits that he set his alarm ringtone as, “Hi Oakland Tech Bulldog. It’s Kim Kardashian.” He had to ask Mr. Wright how to cut off the “s” from “Bulldogs” in the audio recording, but he says he’s finally happy to wake up each morning.
Kim Kardashian herself has not contributed any new information, but we all know that she’s been busy recently. All we can do is hope that she hasn’t forgotten about us since last Wednesday.
If anyone reading this has any new details, feel free to spread another rumor. We love conflicting information here at Oakland Tech.
Following in Kim’s footsteps, I’m blowing a kiss to all Oakland Tech Bulldogs. Congratulations to everyone on officially making it as a school.